Like A Boss: How To Debate Effectively

A lot of people don't truly understand what debating means.  Some think it means arguing.  It doesn't.  Though you do present "arguments" in a debate, it doesn't mean you're "arguing".  Let's explore that.


First, let's begin with the textbook definitions of the terms being used here.

DEBATE

Debate. (n.d.). Retrieved July 5, 2014, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/debate

ARGUE

Argue. (n.d.). Retrieved July 5, 2014, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/argue

In other words, a debate is designed to discuss a counter opinion with someone: you don't agree about the topic(s), but you are engaged in a spirited discussion presenting your own sides and opinions.  An argument is similar in that there's a disagreement, but the discussion is not spirited; it's angry and filled with intent to convince or coerce someone into believing what you believe, with very little - if any - intent to change your own view regardless of the strength of the other person's argument.  Lots of people don't understand that there is a clear difference between the two, and some who are inclined to argue don't realize that they're simply not open to an opposing viewpoint.  Gun control, abortion, same sex marriage, polygamy, privacy, all of these are fodder for debates.

You'll find that being an effective debater, and minimizing how much you argue, will gain you a significant amount of respect with people that are receptive to strong debate and spirited discussion.  This goes a long way in the workplace, at school, even in personal interactions with friends and family.  Learning to recognize an argument before it gets out of hand will help you diffuse a tense situation before it becomes a problem.  The best way to identify these is to understand how to be an effective debater; once you've gotten that far, you'll only need to look for the opposite behavior - a lack of reception of your views and statements - and you'll have identified an argument.  You can then decide to try and diffuse it or walk away from it.

President Obama and GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney face off during the presidential debate at the University of Denver on Wednesday as moderator Jim Lehrer looks on.  Retrieved July 5, 2014, from http://www.npr.org/2012/10/03/162258551/transcript-first-obama-romney-presidential-debate

The above photograph is from President Obama's re-election campaign.  It stands out as the most recognizable example of a debate: the current President is presenting his position for why he should be re-elected, and the candidate is presenting his position for why he should be elected instead of re-electing the President.  The candidate, Mitt Romney, has to present a number of statements that both support his strategy if he were to be elected president and discredit or discount the previous performance of the President; the idea is to convince the American people that he, rather than President Obama, would be the best choice to continue leading the people.  

Unfortunately, as those who listened to the debate may attest to, the debate slowly turned into an argument.  Romney gave statements with no facts or background in an attempt to throw Obama off, and Obama had to respond in kind to save face in front of the American viewers.  Personal jabs about the amount of money in pockets and in bank accounts were thrown, and assumptions about what the American taxpayers did or did not want were put forward, again, with no facts or supporting information. It was clear, at least to me, that the intent was to prejudice the viewers towards their viewpoint, rather than present easily understandable, factual information from which to make their decision.

Have you seen a situation like this, where a benign debate starts to involve personal attacks or abrasive comments?  At that point, it's no longer a debate, it's an argument, and it is this that you should avoid or attempt to diffuse as much as you can.  Depending on who initiated the argument, it may not be possible to diffuse, especially if the person is predisposed to arguing.  It may even be you that is predisposed to arguments, possibly because of past interactions.  But it's not a lost cause!  If you want to get more effective, here's what you need to know.

The things you say MUST pass the "Parable Test".

What's the Parable Test?  Lucky for you, I wrote an entire post explaining this: What Is The "Parable Test"?

In summary, you need to be able to back up what you say.  Don't just throw out random statements; that of course means you must...

Take the time to THINK about what you say before you say it.

This seems like a no-brainer, but I run across so many people that fail to do this.  For me it's a few microseconds, for others it may take a second or two and for some it may take a few minutes.  That's okay.  It's better that you take the time to think about your responses rather than just blurting out what first comes to mind.  At least 3/4ths of the women I dated, violated this one by saying something like "I hate you!!", to which I would respond by avoiding them.  The moral of the story....?

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Again, seems a no-brainer, but very few people adopt this. The same women I referred to before would then call me upset that I avoided them, and I would tell them calmly that it doesn't make sense to interact with someone who hates you.  They would then get more upset saying "I didn't mean it that way!!" Well, then don't say it.  Then they'd get more upset that I'm acting that way, etc etc etc., despite the fact that I'm just reacting to what I hear.  It's not for me to change how I react to your behavior, it's for you to adjust your behavior to get the reaction you want out of me.  Or to put it differently...

An effective debater persuades, rather than convinces.

What does that mean?  Well, let's say it's a hot day and a couple decides to get ice cream.  However, you only have money to get ice cream for one person.  Setting aside selfishness for a moment, you've got three options:  You can buy ice cream for one and the other can go without, you can split an ice cream, or you can get something else.  If one person is really craving ice cream and knows the other wants it but not as badly, they might use powers of persuasion to entice the other person: help them imagine the two of them eating a frosty, dripping ice cream together while watching a movie or something.  That's different than a person who just wants ice cream regardless of whether the other person wants it or not, and goes to the extent of threatening to take the money and get the ice cream by themselves if the other person doesn't "hurry up" and make a decision.

Make it a point to always have a point.

There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.  Many people just like arguing.  They don't have a point to what they're trying to get across.  They just want to "win".  This is a plain Jane symptom of an argument vs. a debate: a desire to get over on the other person rather than to have a purpose behind their views.  A common example of this is with personal hygiene and grooming: I once dated a girl with long hair who asked me directly if I would prefer that she keep it long rather than cutting it.  For me it depends on a lot of things: face shape, weight, even ethnicity. She then went off the deep end in anger: I was judging her, I wasn't letting her be herself, I wasn't allowing her to make her own decisions, etc.  There was no basis to any of her claims, she simply wanted to argue about it, and it really didn't matter how I answered her original question (Which is why I really didn't answer it directly).  You see this a lot with the "does this make me look fat" entrapment question.

Always bring it back to facts.

I love this one!  At the end of the day, the facts of the situation are all that really matter.  The emotions, the opinions, the decisions, the minutiae, none of it matter for the purposes of a debate.  Facts that support or contradict the subject matter are all that are really necessary.  The rest can possibly add context - for example, if debating about abortion rights where differing opinions might be shared to add weight to the necessity of a decision - but beyond that, it all comes back to the facts.  If you're in a situation that feels as though it's going to degrade into an argument, don't let it.  Stick to the facts.  Don't allow yourself to drop to the other person's level.  Even if the person tries to use intimidation tactics such as raising their voice or pounding on the table, maintain your composure and use factual statements to back up your position.  The other person may not let up, but anyone else observing with any sensibility will see and respect your credibility.